Overcoming Our Saboteurs: Nurturing Healthier Relationships with Our Adult Children
“All your children want to know is that you are proud of their successes and will be on their side.”
Fear is a powerful force. Sometimes, it is a useful motivator that moves us toward our goals; we are afraid of the consequences of not meeting important deadlines, so we work efficiently in order to finish our projects on time. Sometimes, fear tells us when we are actually in danger; we feel our bodies tense up as fear prepares us to get us to safety. But sometimes, fear is like a false alarm, firing when there is actually no danger at all, and we end up living in a state of hyper-vigilance.
How Fear Sabotages Our Relationships
Often, fear sabotages us. We are afraid of people hurting us again. We are afraid of losing the people we love. So we end up acting in ways that hurt what we were trying to protect. This is a position that many parents of adults find themselves in. The parents want to show their adult children they love them and give them advice on their future, but the children feel misunderstood, controlled, or judged. This is what happens when we listen to the fearful voice of our inner saboteurs: instead of making our children feel loved and supported, we push them away.
How to Avoid Triggering Our Children
How can we combat our inner saboteurs and reverse the effects of fear? Sarah Epstein, a therapist who works with families, gives us several ways in which conversations between parents and adult children go awry.
Unsolicited advice. Sometimes, our children don’t want or need our advice. All we can do as parents is empathize with them and support them.
Reminders to be grateful. When we go through hardship, we learn to find the bright side even when it feels hopeless, but our children may need to learn that for themselves.
Jealous comments. Often, we feel as though our children have it easier than we did. All the same, jealous comments communicate to children that they should feel guilty for the good things they have and that you view their success as competition, when all they want to know is that you are proud of their successes and will be on their side when they don’t succeed.
Making it all about the parent. Just as it is problematic to compare successes, it can be hurtful to compare hardships. Listen and affirm before you share.
Jokes. A well-placed joke can ease tension, lighten the mood, and increase a sense of camaraderie. A joke at the wrong time can communicate that you do not care about the other person or do not know how to. It is important for parents to communicate to their adult children that they will engage with them in a caring and meaningful way.
Labeling. As parents, we know our children better than anyone. We get to see not only the traits our children choose to present to the world, but also the worst parts of them. We must be careful to communicate that we do not view our children in light of their flaws.
Awkwardness. As your children grow up, there will be times when they bring up problems you do not know how to solve. But if we engage with the awkward issues head-on, we show our children that they too can be brave and face the difficulties of life confidently and competently.
Shifting attention to the parents' anxiety about the issue. No one is more worried about children than their parents. When children grow up and start to “fledge,” parents often feel powerless, which leads to a lot of fear and worry when their children share their struggles. It is our job to focus on our children’s needs, but in order to do this, we must be able to face our own fears.
Breaking the Cycle of Our Saboteurs
When we learn to identify these issues, we begin to see our relationships with our children reach their fullest potential. However, sometimes the issue does not spring from communication but from a negative cycle of fear that has sabotaged other areas of your life. Our relationships with our children often gets swept up in that cycle.
Often, we feel unequipped to face our fears and fight these saboteurs, and we end up stuck in survival mode. If this is you, it’s time to take a new step in your journey to freedom from fear.
You can watch a free webinar here. In this webinar, we show you how to seek the sage wisdom of God and learn to use your thriving brain instead of your survival brain when interacting with your adult children.